The Film.com Oscar Drinking Game

Note: Film.com does not condone drinking to excess, drinking alone, drinking to drown your sorrows, drinking cheap wine, drinking lite beer, drinking straight from the bottle (except beer), or drinking while driving an automobile. (Drinking while driving golf balls is fine, and if you can manage that while also watching the Oscars, we salute your ingenuity and commitment to amusing yourself in as many ways as possible simultaneously.)

While playing the Film.com Oscar Drinking Game, do not operate heavy machinery or attempt to juggle more than three remote controls. The Film.com Oscar Drinking Game may cause excessive goofiness, drowsiness, and/or messiness. Film.com is not responsible for beer coming out your nose while laughing, red-wine stains on the new carpet, small fires, startling the cat, or complaints from neighbors and/or the police. If the Film.com Oscar Drinking Game causes an erection lasting longer than four hours, what the hell are you still doing watching TV?

THE RULES:

When a winner thanks the Academy, take 1 drink.
When a winner thanks God, take 2 drinks.
When a winner thanks his or her kindergarten teacher, take 3 drinks and thank your own kindergarten teacher.

When a winner forgets to thank the screenwriter, take 1 drink.
When a winner forgets to thank the director, take 2 drinks.
When a winner forgets to thank a spouse, take 3 drinks and kiss your significant other.

If Ellen makes a joke about lusting after a female nominee, take 1 drink.
If it's Penelope Cruz, take 2 drinks.
If it's Helen Mirren, take 3 drinks and give a little royal wave.

When a winner pulls out a prepared speech, take 1 drink.
When a winner says, "This is so unexpected," and pulls out a prepared speech, take 2 drinks.
When a winner wins for writing something and stumbles inarticulately through a speech, take 3 drinks and mumble something incoherent.

When the band attempts to play a winner off the stage, take 1 drink.
When the band succeeds, take 2 drinks.
When the band attempts to play Marty off the stage, take 3 drinks and yell at the TV.

When a presenter stumbles over a name, take 1 drink.
If it's Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, take 2 drinks.
If it's Koji Yakusho, take 2 drinks.
If it's Djimon Hounsou, take 2 drinks.
If it's Eddie Murphy, take 3 drinks.

When the camera cuts to an object of Ellen's ridicule in the audience and he or she is clearly not at all amused, take 1 drink.
If it's Jack Nicholson, take 2 drinks.
If it's Ken Watanabe, take 3 drinks of sake.

If Clive Owen shows up at the ceremony, take 1 drink.
If Sacha Baron Cohen shows up, take 2 drinks.
If Mel Gibson shows up, take 3 drinks and grumble about the Jewish cabal that controls Hollywood.

When a winner trips on his or her way up to the podium, take 1 drink.
When a winner accepts his or her Oscar and pretends to buckle under the weight of it, take 2 drinks.
When a winner tries to leave the podium in the wrong direction and needs to be guided by the Oscar bimbettes, take 3 drinks.

For every clip montage that goes on too long, take 1 drink.
For every performance of a nominated song that is accompanied by absurd choreography, take 2 drinks.
When the guys from PriceWaterhouseCoopers give those goofy grins that say, "Hey, Ma, I'm on TV!" take 3 drinks.
If Ellen spoofs Letterman's Uma/Oprah fiasco, take 4 drinks and call it a night.